Taking a chance on ourselves

So, needless to say, I haven't written in a while. In truth I've been finding myself kind of resistant to it lately. It's a combination of things like spending more and more free time painting (such as the piece here)

But it's also been a time of more reflection after all that has gone on the last few years. I focused so much on writing about what was happening that now it's been nice to just gestate a while.

Of course there are still plenty of things to talk about or that flit through my mind on a regular basis, so hopefully the writing bug has bitten me again; even if just a little.

One thing that I'm always pondering is the perception people have of me going through the various disasters of my life: financial collapse, relationship challenges, being un-homed for a year, and so on. It happens regularly that people think that I weathered it without scars or plenty of moments when hope seemed dismally low. The only thing that I can claim with some reasonable sense is that I tried to keep the difference clear between how I felt and how I treated people around me.

And it's always interesting to me how different people fill in the gaps of my story to fit their inspirational needs. For some it seems that I must be calm because I must meditate several hours a day. For others I must do Tai Chi all the time, or never eat pizza, or drink a beer. One thing is for sure, I could never live up to those standards. I'm much to flakey to remember to do everything I should be doing, and I'm much more easily distracted than people would give credit for.

It makes me smile to think of the super human abilities that people ascribe to me, but if given a chance, I will generally encourage people to do what I work on doing: embrace their own quirks and idiosyncrasies before trying to live up to any other standards that don't ring true to their hearts.

I have firm belief that we spend so much time and effort living by someone else's standards, or what we imagine should be our standards, that often we forget to ask ourselves the simple questions that really matter to us as individuals. Such as: What do I really like? Who do I really want to be? They're simple questions but so easily overlooked. And too often I see people feel like it's too late once they do ask those questions of themselves. But I don't think so.

I am a strong supporter of doing whatever is necessary in order to get through life's ups and downs. And we should give ourselves a break when our capacities aren't quite up to the level we'd like. But sooner or later I hope that anyone asking those questions of themselves does one simple yet fairly frightening thing: Take a chance on yourself! Whether it's job related, hobbies of one sort or another, or especially the relationships we want, it's gotta be you that steps up.

I know some have said to me that they are afraid that what they find on the other side of those questions might be something they don't like. But in my opinion, and experience to date, you always find yourself on the other side. And if that is going to be true then ask one other simple question: What is wrong with you that you'd be afraid to be you?

So lets hope the writing bug is back. And in the meantime, back to some painting...

"Why is this happening to me?"

This is something we've all said at some point, and it's very easy to say when things go awry. Whether in personal relations, business issues, health, school... you name it and that phrase pops up sooner or later. I know I've said it several times a day over the last few years. I've been baffled more times than not.

On one hand there's plenty that we can take honest responsibility for, but on the other hand there is all the stuff that seems to be out of our control. Just take my recent run in with the long arm of the law. Ok so maybe getting tagged for a missing license plate and expired safety check isn't that big a brush with Johnny Law, but come on... there were two cop cars AND they did spend up to 20 minutes running me through the computer. Of course kinda ironic since there ought to be a complete absence of anything on me. Unless of course there was that time... Just kidding, I'm clean.

Point being that sometimes things just come up and there's no linear reason for it. Just simple law of attraction I suppose: You're feeling crappy and crappy things roll your way. Now every entrepreneur has their low point(s) and if they're true risk takers they don't sweat it too long. When it came time to jump in and run my own herb company I knew it was an important step to take. There were things to be learned and I thought I was ready. And mostly I was. Sometimes I wasn't, and when it came time to close up shop I can't honestly say I wasn't heavily affected by it. You naturally feel the sting of failure in spite of best efforts given. You hang your head for a while, a long while at times, you go to a movie in the middle of the day for escape, or maybe hit some golf balls on the driving range. Badly I might add so there's no illusions that golf is an escape here.

But hopefully the indulgences don't get too extreme. You know what I mean there. And over time you get to doing something. It's a process and you just have to trust it cause there's not going to be a good explanation on it. In my case I did several things that I hoped would be supportive: I opened my acupuncture clinic, stared at the ceiling often, wrote some poetry (I can't judge whether it was decent and heartfelt, or overly melodramatic or just plain bad poetry, but it did get some emotions out), and made some art. Not necessarily usual fare for countering failed entrepreneurial efforts but it got me through. Didn't solve anything per se, and of course the karma larma ding dong kept/keeps on rolling.

But there is another thing to remember here... we ask that fate-filled question of "why" when things go really bad. We even cry and wail it out. But have you ever said it when things go well? For that matter have you heard anyone say it in that context? Usually its something more like "well it's about time," and we take immediate ownership. It's an interesting place to find oneself and makes me pause. To me this perpetuates the cycle and can't be good in the end. It smacks of hubris if not simple delusion and non-acceptance.

Each morning I go down to the beach to swim and shower. It's getting chillier lately so the mindfulness is forced to get sharper. I don't like taking cold showers, but I accept it. That's what I've got to work with and though there are no shortage of friends who offer the occasional hot shower at their home it's more convenient and closer to the office to go to Kaimana Beach. Besides, it's great practice for acceptance. And besides that beside, something good has been dangling just out of reach, or just around the corner, for a little while now. It's a new venture opportunity that was presented to me, and I admit does seem too good to be true in light of the long run of s#*t karma. But I can tell you this, if/when it comes through, and I am once again able to have a real home, and I take that first hot shower there, I'm not gonna be saying "it's about time." I'm going to be grateful as hell and cherish the moment since you just never know in this fragile dance of life.