Poem- 4/10/12

My fears are a well-tended garden,
flowerful, redolent, manicured…
Indeed, completely at home,
I know these paths well,
worn and treaded steadily in bare feet
among rows of shocks of violent hues
and delicate memory.
You don’t believe me?
I’ve invested a whole life here.
Ask and I can furnish you
any bouquet imaginable,
presented season-perfect and timely.
Would you think to save me
from these confines? To spare me
the burdens of this enclosure?
Your efforts would fall short,
like song lost to wind.
But not to worry, now or evermore…
There is a secret to share—
It is not I that is enclosed, but the fears
that are enclosed within me.
The burden that I myself lifted has been set down,
and now the garden is just that—
a trove of memory and life brought forth,
a place that I can safely take you,
a solitude that is mine to share,
such care have I put in.
But better yet, invite me to your garden…
I’m sure the views are as resplendent.
All you need do is ask
and we’ll share the last rays of daylight
when the flames of a setting sun
slowly fade behind cloud and waterline.
And when sleep comes later
we may dream our lives anew,
no longer strangers to the places within us.

Poem- 3/1/12

Sitting here, still among movement,
My mind leaps along, unbounded,
And recedes with the night's silence.

Fleeting images linger under my eyelids,
Insubstantial as voice lost to wind,
Or the wave forgotten by the ocean.

A simple reflection off light
Elsewhere placed and formed...
How can the moon go so gentle along?

I am leaden and heavy,
Where you are color and life;
Possibilities unspent, a brilliant spark.

Surely, there will be a place, a bridge,
Faithful, fortunate, forgiving...
Where this wing can rest and rejoice.

Painting and Poetry tonight...

I would do honor
To all that I see within you
A hundred times over
And not once ask of anything.
Let my eyes wear thin
No longer to find the pleasure
Of just one smile;
Or my hands to crumble
Under the weight of a rose
Never once given...
Yet may that space be saved,
Remain protected, forever in heart,
Where last I knew you.

2/19/12

Been enjoying some Walt Whitman...

To A STRANGER

Passing stranger! you do not know how longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me as of a dream,)
I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall'd as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,
You grew up with me, were a boy with me or a girl with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become not yours only nor left my body mine only,
You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass, you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,
I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or wake at night alone,
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again,
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

Poem 12/11/11

The ageless before me
continue to weep,
the wounds of the world
still fresh on their minds.

But these hurts pour forth--
lines, notes, words...
You call them "music, art"...
We call them our lives.

Of the colors that
bleed through my veins,
none become visible without
one simple heart stroke.

I could not be cut off,
removed from myself,
any more than I
could not write you.

Poem- 11/27/11

Silence is the mantra
bearing me along what seems
an endless, pause-filled night.

Each breath a mark in time
to the sky's movement towards dawn,
ticking towards my next hope.

And like the unopened bloom
hidden in still morning's shadow,
I await the embrace of return,
When I see the sun once more.

Poem 11/22/11

Wisdom watches the flowing sands,
Abiding within this container,
Turning over with each repetition
Of timeliness and completion;
Impressive by the hour,
Leaving indelible traces.

Yet these wisdom marks
Are best left to the books,
Where they contain and sustain,
And something resembling
A touch on my mind can be
Brought forth.

But I break from the glass,
No longer drowned in the sands;
I am gone from the bindings.
I break because I must… I can--
For wisdom is only a stepping stone
To this human life.

The Sun

Had I not seen the Sun
I could have borne the shade
But Light a newer Wilderness
My Wilderness has made --

Emily Dickinson

"Why is this happening to me?"

This is something we've all said at some point, and it's very easy to say when things go awry. Whether in personal relations, business issues, health, school... you name it and that phrase pops up sooner or later. I know I've said it several times a day over the last few years. I've been baffled more times than not.

On one hand there's plenty that we can take honest responsibility for, but on the other hand there is all the stuff that seems to be out of our control. Just take my recent run in with the long arm of the law. Ok so maybe getting tagged for a missing license plate and expired safety check isn't that big a brush with Johnny Law, but come on... there were two cop cars AND they did spend up to 20 minutes running me through the computer. Of course kinda ironic since there ought to be a complete absence of anything on me. Unless of course there was that time... Just kidding, I'm clean.

Point being that sometimes things just come up and there's no linear reason for it. Just simple law of attraction I suppose: You're feeling crappy and crappy things roll your way. Now every entrepreneur has their low point(s) and if they're true risk takers they don't sweat it too long. When it came time to jump in and run my own herb company I knew it was an important step to take. There were things to be learned and I thought I was ready. And mostly I was. Sometimes I wasn't, and when it came time to close up shop I can't honestly say I wasn't heavily affected by it. You naturally feel the sting of failure in spite of best efforts given. You hang your head for a while, a long while at times, you go to a movie in the middle of the day for escape, or maybe hit some golf balls on the driving range. Badly I might add so there's no illusions that golf is an escape here.

But hopefully the indulgences don't get too extreme. You know what I mean there. And over time you get to doing something. It's a process and you just have to trust it cause there's not going to be a good explanation on it. In my case I did several things that I hoped would be supportive: I opened my acupuncture clinic, stared at the ceiling often, wrote some poetry (I can't judge whether it was decent and heartfelt, or overly melodramatic or just plain bad poetry, but it did get some emotions out), and made some art. Not necessarily usual fare for countering failed entrepreneurial efforts but it got me through. Didn't solve anything per se, and of course the karma larma ding dong kept/keeps on rolling.

But there is another thing to remember here... we ask that fate-filled question of "why" when things go really bad. We even cry and wail it out. But have you ever said it when things go well? For that matter have you heard anyone say it in that context? Usually its something more like "well it's about time," and we take immediate ownership. It's an interesting place to find oneself and makes me pause. To me this perpetuates the cycle and can't be good in the end. It smacks of hubris if not simple delusion and non-acceptance.

Each morning I go down to the beach to swim and shower. It's getting chillier lately so the mindfulness is forced to get sharper. I don't like taking cold showers, but I accept it. That's what I've got to work with and though there are no shortage of friends who offer the occasional hot shower at their home it's more convenient and closer to the office to go to Kaimana Beach. Besides, it's great practice for acceptance. And besides that beside, something good has been dangling just out of reach, or just around the corner, for a little while now. It's a new venture opportunity that was presented to me, and I admit does seem too good to be true in light of the long run of s#*t karma. But I can tell you this, if/when it comes through, and I am once again able to have a real home, and I take that first hot shower there, I'm not gonna be saying "it's about time." I'm going to be grateful as hell and cherish the moment since you just never know in this fragile dance of life.