Sunday, December 5, 2010

On the edge of it all

Living on the edge is definitely a constant struggle. Though it may not be as bad as completely being homeless I can't help but wonder whether it's worse. You still feel connected to the other side- stability, "success" by some definition- that you carry layers of denial, shame, doubt, and so many other factors in the mind.

So much of it is buried in where you came from, reaching all the way back to small kid time. Back then our dreams and fantasies played out against an adult backdrop of reality and, at moments, twisted irony. There were childhood struggles of my own, which I won't name here, that I battled via the personas of my favorite superheroes: Kikaida, Kamen Rider V3 and Rainbow Man. At those tender ages, 3-5, the ability to fight off evil makes all the sense in the world. But not surprisingly those powers didn't quite fend off the flesh and blood vulnerabilities. Instead powerlessness and defeat settled in. These are the feelings of sliding into purgatory, about to enter a realm in the mind that you know well enough, and not certain whether, finally, other factors in life will come through in the clutch.

It's not hard living on the edge. What's hard is not believing the reality of it, and certainly not believing that it will be permanent.

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