Monday, December 13, 2010

New online column at Civil Beat

Well it finally came through: i have a column/blog on Civil Beat. Here is the link to the first article.

It's a subscription site so don't worry I will still look to keep up with thoughts and musings here as well. But the Civil Beat column ought to be an interesting look at life on the edge of success and failure.

More soon though as lots to write about!!!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

On the edge of it all

Living on the edge is definitely a constant struggle. Though it may not be as bad as completely being homeless I can't help but wonder whether it's worse. You still feel connected to the other side- stability, "success" by some definition- that you carry layers of denial, shame, doubt, and so many other factors in the mind.

So much of it is buried in where you came from, reaching all the way back to small kid time. Back then our dreams and fantasies played out against an adult backdrop of reality and, at moments, twisted irony. There were childhood struggles of my own, which I won't name here, that I battled via the personas of my favorite superheroes: Kikaida, Kamen Rider V3 and Rainbow Man. At those tender ages, 3-5, the ability to fight off evil makes all the sense in the world. But not surprisingly those powers didn't quite fend off the flesh and blood vulnerabilities. Instead powerlessness and defeat settled in. These are the feelings of sliding into purgatory, about to enter a realm in the mind that you know well enough, and not certain whether, finally, other factors in life will come through in the clutch.

It's not hard living on the edge. What's hard is not believing the reality of it, and certainly not believing that it will be permanent.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

This is my Excellent Adventure!

Well, I'm back from a fine meditation retreat. Nothing like a little concentration and mindfulness practice to clear the mind. Of course not to say that every moment was peaceful: pain in the back, restlessness wanting to be somewhere else, day-dreaming... LOTS of that going on actually!! But the over-arching result was a good pat on the back and personal "well done." That's as it should be.

What would have derailed me is if I bowed to my own expectations about what should have been happening or resulting from the time. But if you've read anything I've rambled about its that expectations are dangerous. They can be misleading, set us up for failure, or just keep us completely distracted from what is actually happening around us.

For example, remember in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure when their history teacher was about to write them off for missing their presentation? Instead they appeared in the nick of time and gave a kick-ass report? The final result was so great because they actually fully investigated their material (that is travelled through time meeting historical figures), got into lots of useful trouble (like saving the princesses without getting their heads chopped off), and came to some pretty mature conclusions (Abe Lincoln telling everyone to "Party on, Dude!"). Basically they looked and figured things out, and those who had expectations of them were surprised.

Naturally, things went their way. It is Hollywood. But in the realm of us non-fictional beings things don't always go well. Like I mentioned: living out of a van while still running a business, being broke and juggling bills with uncertainty of cash flow. But it is your own excellent adventure so why not fully invest in it!! I know that was the mindset I had after the retreat, so I'm all in on me. :)